We’ve long grown used to culturally themed opening ceremonies for big sporting events, but when New Zealand and Tonga come together this morning for the first match in the Rugby World Cup 2011, there won’t just be singing and dancing in the pre-match jamboree, but in the actual game as well.
Though most major sporting events are subject to (poorly sung) national anthems, rugby – to my knowledge, anyway – is unique in having teams line up to dance. Teams? Yes, indeed: no fewer than four of the top 15 rugby union teams enjoy a bit of a boogie before the starting whistle. New Zealand, of course, with their “Ka mate” haka (guess what? It’s all about outwitting one’s enemies); but also the Tongan war dance Sipi Tau, Samoa’s Siva Tau, and Fiji’s Cibi. (HEALTH WARNING: don’t try to do – or even say – any of these while drinking in front of the telly.)
Some see these war dances as offensive and/or unsporting (to those nations who have historically settled international disputes with guns). But as the Pacific Rim underachievers look to challenge the big boys of the rest of the world, I think it would be only in the spirit of the game and help fluff the metaphor of sport as cuddly combat – that the Rest of the World put their best feet forward and join in the dance. I mean, if XV jug-eared blokes have to play synecdoche – and rugby – on behalf of an entire nation, why not, y’know, promote something of a cultural hoedown (a danciad, if you will)? Some of the rising teams might even benefit from the YouTube publicity.
Here then, for your perusal, are my Rugby World Cup 2011 dance-off nominations:
- Ireland – I’m all for seeing Brian “Broyan” O’Driscoll do a repeat of his David v Goliath solo against the All Blacks, but given what happened to him after the last time, I think perhaps Riverdance might be more efficacious (no Guinness hats, alas: they’re sponsoring the whole shebang).
- South Africa – Xhosa stick-fighting, in honour of national unity. With Julius Malema as IC war cries. We might get Elton John to assist with the lyrics?
- Argentina – the tango, of course. That particular variation of the tango where a 7ft flanker bends you over his knee and then drills your head into the ground.
- Italy – Bunga Bunga? There’s got to be some pros… some pro-Silvio popstrel we could commission to put out on record. Berlusconi could do the bodywork. For late-night broadcast.
- Russia – Cossack dancing (on fraternal behalf of Ukraine, who don’t play), perhaps to a tune by Rimsky-Korsakov. I just don’t see the forwards pulling off The Rite of Spring, is all.
- France – The cancan, obviously. With outfits.
- Australia – "Waltzing Matilda". It’s not in three, ironically – and someone’ll need to partner up with the waterboy – but I’m sure they’ll work something out. Cork hats optional.
- USA – Highlights from Copland’s Rodeo, feat live cows (the bands are gonna need to practise a bit).
- Scotland – Give Brian Moore a microphone and put him 10ft from the “Gay Gordons”. Step back. Wait for diplomatic incident to kick off.
- England – What better way to intimidate the serried ranks of glowering Maoris than a bit of the wild Morris? Hell, they even get bits of metal on their knees. And sticks.
This is just a start, of course – I’m just kicking the ball around. Japan and Canada aren’t famed for their ballet, but then they’re not really famed for their rugby, either. I don’t know where to begin with Georgia (wrestling, though balletic, is really not as macho as some people make out). And what to do with such cultural and sporting deserts as Namibia, Romania and Wales is anybody’s guess.
Suggestions? Just pop ‘em in the box below.
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