CD: The Vamps – Night and Day (Night Edition)

Watching the YouTube clips that accompany the release of the Vamps’ third album, Night and Day (Night Edition), it becomes immediately apparent how keen they are to come across as a "real" band. They talk eloquently about the writing process and are frequently filmed playing guitars. Good on them, we’re supposed to think. Good. On. Them. Well, quite. Except…

When in the name of Depeche Mode did writing your own songs become a point of difference for a pop band? The key, surely, is to write good ones. That’s the space in which we can define the arena of judgment, surely? My son wrote a song when he was four, about a poo that could sing. No help from me at all. Doesn’t make him Ivor sodding Novello though, does it? GG Allin possibly.

The problem with Night and Day is where to start, other than “as near the end as possible”. If there is an accomplishment here, it’s that the Vamps have managed to release an album that doesn’t contain anything even approaching a good song. Not one. At its best (recent single “Middle of the Night”), it plays like a poor imitation of the sort of overly compressed confection that litters primetime TV like audio static. At its worst (“Shades On”) it’s like the band’s been working to the brief, “write a song that rational humans would want to punch in the face if it were a human.” If so, job done.

The kindest thing I can say about the album is that it’s short, coming in at just over half an hour. But it’s really just the first half of a 20-track release, with the companion piece due at the end of the year, in time for Christmas. The follow-up – as this primer – will no doubt be huge. They will sell millions. Night and Day will earn the band a fortune while being creatively bankrupt.

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@jahshabby